Author Topic: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...  (Read 7221 times)

Offline rrrachel

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Well, I'm starting to think more and more she may well be a stray being opportunistically fed elsewhere. She's had my collar on since Monday and no sign of a response. Now, given the earlier discussions if someone can't or won't follow a URL I would have thought at *least* they'd respond by, say, replacing the collar themselves, putting a new ID thing on for *me* to contact *them*... Who, that owns a cat, wouldn't notice the collar had been changed? Who wouldn't assert their ownership if it had been?

But I said (to myself) I'd wait a week, precisely because I'm sure they don't get to see her much, but would have a slightly better chance of doing so at the weekend. That's until Monday. Then it's vet-time, see if she's got a chip, and if not... I guess that's it.

Part of the problem I guess is, knowing the hours she's here, and when she tends to go for long enough to get food, it's quite probable that whoever's feeding her, whether they're her owners or not, hardly sees her, but puts food out for her. I don't know. She doesn't look underfed anyway. Some days she pesters me for food more than other days (not at all today, for instance), which could well indicate an unreliable food supply at the other end, I guess; sometimes not getting it before some other cat does.

Offline Bryony84

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Hiya, welcome! I'm new myself but we got our first cat like this and half adopted another a few years ago so I thought my stories might be of some use.

First of all, I should probably point out that I was 9 at the time and it was a long time ago so I only remember the important details. It all started out in the spring school holidays, me and my little brother used to play in our back garden a lot, and a little black cat started visiting us, she was very friendly and completely tolerant of little hand petting her. Of course being only 9 and knowing that cats like milk, I gave her a saucer of it - I know now that this isn't a good move but to me at that age, it was a good thing to do.

Anyway, time moved on and she was always at our house, we would have to put her out at night time (once we'd found where in the house she was hiding (yes she was coming in the house by now). I think she must have had a collar and address on her because my parents knew where she lived and eventually started taking her home. *ding dong* 'heres your cat back', thank god my dad is great at talking to people. We did this for a long time, and the owner would sometimes come round looking for her but she didn't actully seem to mind her being at ours.

As it turned out, Lucy (the cat) had come from an RSPCA rescue, the owner had gone with her friend to find her a cat and got taken in by a little face in the window of the cage (and we all know how easy that is!). She had taken her home, but the catch was that the lady already had a cat, a big ginger tom, and they didn't get on at all. As far as Lucy was concerned, she had escaped her prison and it was time to find a forever home. One thing that stood out to me in what you said was the hair loss from overgrooming. Lucy had the exact same thing when she first arrived because I remember mum being really worried about it. Gradually it got better and eventually there was no sign of it.

Months later, and very strangely on my birthday, I got the best present ever. The owner came to our door with Lucys bowl and toys and told us that we should keep her as she obviously wanted to be with us. She was very nice about it and I was absolutely thrilled. Lucy was the most lovely cat, friendly to absolutely everyone, she would sit on the wall outside our house and let anyone pat her on their way past. She stayed with us until she was about 16 (no-one knew her exact age) when we lost her to kidney disease, I was about 18 at this point and was absolutely devastated, I left for university that september and I suppose that probably helped a bit.

One holiday, I came home from uni and there was a handsome black and white boy on our back garden wall. Mum told me that he was next doors cat (the house next door to us was a home for the mentally handicapped) and from what we observed daily, we imagine he wasn't treated very well. He used our house as a sanctury and we did feed him as he seemed thin and we suspected they often forgot. They knew he spent time with us and were happy with it.

We shared him for a couple of years but one day something wasn't right with him, he was tender around the stomach and my dad marched next door and insisted they take him to the vet, which to their credit they did do. We never found out exactly what was wrong with him, but he had an operation on his stomach and he was back a week or so later with a set of stiches accross his newly shaven belly. He seemed ok for a while after that and spent a lot of time sleeping on his favourite seat in our house, I'll attach a pic at the end. Eventually though, he took a turn for the worse and they took him to the vet again, this time he didn't come back and even though he wasn't really ours, we still missed him a huge amount.

I think everyones advice has been absolutely right, the best thing you can do is find out if your cat has a caring owner wondering where their pet is all the time, or if she is a stray and is being fed at one, or maybe more houses (I know Lucy used to eat from at least 2 different houses when we had her!). Once you have tried to make contact with the owner, your guilt should lessen a little and I hope that she can come and live with you, it seems like you are absolutely the right person for her.

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Offline rrrachel

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Can we upload images? Hmm... Oh there it is at the bottom... Is too big, must crop and scale... Can't tell from preview if it'll work...

I did get a proper collar on her eventually, and it doesn't seem to be bothering her. That was yesterday. Now just waiting to see if she has someone that will notice...


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Offline Tan

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Hi Rachel   :welcome: to Purrs Hun  :)

Offline rrrachel

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Oh this *cat*! She got the velcro collar off. It was a good fit too.
* rrrachel thumps head on table a few times.

I know it was her that did it, she was right in front of me. Now only the collar is!

My brilliant idea must have occurred to others before, and thus found wanting...

OK, you can  :rofl: now.  :P (Did I mention I hate collars?)

BTW, checked the list at petsearch; not there. (Useful to know it exists though.)

Offline Angiew

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If you have a local pesearch branch in your area then let them know you have found her - they may have an anxious ownr somewhere. You can then put their phone number on the collar.

http://www.petsearchuk.org.uk/

Offline Kittybabe (Ruth)

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Have a look at our Links section (in between calendar and chat). You'll find a link to Kitty Collars. Marla who runs it is a member here and sells only safety collars. Honestly, I've tried them and I feel comfortable that even if my cat got it stuck in her mouth it would break away.

Offline rrrachel

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Why don't you get a safety collar? One that breaks away at pressure? At the very least for this. Velcro might not hold? or might not give?

I went to a (fairly big) pet store yesterday to look for something suitable. Did not find. I imagine velcro will fail to give to the same degree that her original plastic collar would; in fact the one I got was the only one I could find *with* any 'give' in it... but the aforementioned buckle which makes it essentially impossible to get properly fitted to an unco-operative cat.

Offline Kittybabe (Ruth)

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Why don't you get a safety collar? One that breaks away at pressure? At the very least for this. Velcro might not hold? or might not give?

Offline rrrachel

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It has a buckle and I had no hope. It was actually elasticated and the only success I had was in doing it up in advance and slipping it over her head. That was last night, and it was too loose. I wasn't happy with it and she *certainly* wasn't. I was sufficiently unhappy with it, in fact, that while I was failing to do it up a bit tighter I decided it would be better just to take it off again. I didn't feel it was safe.

One of the main reasons I don't like collars is that when I was a child my aunt told me about when she found a kitten that had died from being hung from its collar that had been caught up on a fence it was trying to get over. I have a morbid terror of somthing like that happening, and have never put collars on my own cats.

I've just had a brainwave, however; which I'm going to try to put into effect in a bit: Velcro! I have a roll of velcro 1cm wide that's intended for tying and organising cables. The loops side on the inside actually feels quite smooth, as the loops are very small. Or I might put the fluffy side on the inside. So the id-thing's attached to a collar's length of that and when she's nice and chilled i should be able to slip it on. It's only for temporary use after all. I've got it on my own wrist at the moment so it's there when the opportunity strikes.

I *do not* want to give out my phone number. Knowing the demographics of the immediate area, I'd say it's overwhelmingly likely that the owner is a younger person - my generation or younger - generally young singles, young couples/families and students sharing; I have a horrible feeling that, at 40, I may even *be* the old lady of the street - and to be honest I'd be amazed if a single house on this street doesn't have internet access. The bandwidth contention here is *awful* (this house was one of the first in this city to get broadband, so I've seen it deteriorate since we practically had the exchange to ourselves). There's usually at least 2-3 other people's wifi base stations interfering with mine too... I just went up to 802.11n not so much for the speed but to get a clear channel. And if it's someone who doesn't have internet at home then the likelihood is that they'll have it at work, or at the university, or they'll at least *know* someone who can do it.

I liked the idea of leaving a message in the local newsagents and taking the cat as mine if there's no response in a few days.  :evillaugh: I don't think I've ever been *in* the nearest newsagents...

Offline Desley (booktigger)

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I would go with the message rather than a URL, in case she is just using that fence as part of her route, rather then where she lives ( I took a neighbourhood cat home one night as I Always saw him sat outside a certain house that had a cat flap, and it was 11pm and bitterly cold - he actually lived next door!!). You could get her checked for a chip while you are waiting for a response, and in regards to her not looking like a stray, i picked Ginger up off the streets, he was overweight yet had lived on the streets for 3 years - he had good survivial techniques, and even after bringing him home, it didn't stop him sneaking into other peoples houses, so he ended up with a name tag and 2 bells to warn people he had just come in their house (elderly neighbour couldnt hear the first!! I could hear him waay before I saw him though).
Please spay your cat



Offline blackcat

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yes, the slow and stealthy approach is best. If you get her nice and relaxed on your lap, with the collar beside you, then slowly use the collar as part of the cuddles your are giving, working your way towards the neck. Hope it is a clip-fasten one. If it is has a buckle you have no hope!

Offline Kittybabe (Ruth)

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Just use some sticky tape. Get her on your lap and once she's chilled just slip it round her neck. Its the only way I can check my cat's neck (she scratches her neck often and open sores) but she has to be chilled.

Offline rrrachel

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Here's a problem. I've never actually put a collar on a cat before. I've never wanted to; my cats in the past generally haven't worn them.

How do you do it??! I don't want to hurt or upset her!

Offline FrankNTessa

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Frank and I found each other through Cats Protection. This stray has found you and decided to stay. You are obviously the one for her. All that fur loss suggest that she wasn't happy or even being miss treated. Yes there is deffo a moral thing here but if you put a notice in your local newsagents window and no one comes forward shes yours and your hers. She sounds like an almost reffal like Frank when we got him. Also very clingy, needy and jumpy, so for her to chose you means you are a good person.

GO WITH IT

She's better off with you and has made her choice so give her the protection she needs. She's gone with her instincts so go with yours.

Good Luck

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I have put a collar with my number on it on a stray, if you do this and the cat does have a home the owner will call you, I just wrote on it- please call this number to let them know Im not stray, the owner called me and that sorted that out.

If you do this and the cat returns for more than 3 nights and you dont get a call I would assume the cat is lost or stray?

I know someone who has a cat that has moved out and gone to live up the road in another house because it loves the kitten that lives there  :Crazy:
 
I have even put a collar with my number on my own cat as he would go out for hours and it got to a point where I thought he was living somewhere else.

So there could only be two outcomes- you get a concerned owner calling you to see what there cat has been upto, or you get a person that will call you that may not be so nice but they will still call and say thats their cat.

Dont worry about someone having a go at you cos they wont, you just need to do it cos you need to know what to do next, for the sake of the cat, and yourself.

Offline Millys Mum

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A URL might not be a good idea if her owners are elderly and have no idea what a URL is!!
If you dont want to deal with a phone call, you can ask for them to respond in the id tube, much like a carrier pigeon system  ;D

I would stick a frontline on her, if she was being treated for fleas she wouldnt have any....
But your house soon will.


Offline rrrachel

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Bloody cat...  :Crazy:

So, I wrote a web page and put the url on a slip of paper inside an ID cylinder and tried to attach it to the cat's collar. After, oh, three days of failure (I'm too gentle, I think) i decided I had to take that collar off to attach the cylinder, then put it back on.

Well, I got it off eventually, just now. This was a destructive process; it seemed to have some kind of catch which meant I couldn't undo it, at least not while it was still being worn, so I resorted to cutting it off. (*Careful* use of nail scissors around a squirming cat's neck!) She's now entirely collar-less.

This was partially anticipated actually; I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to get it off intact, as it's plastic and already has fatigue-cracks, so I already bought a replacement, which should be more comfortable anyway. I just need to catch her again to get the new one on, with the id cylinder already attached. :) (I deliberately let her go after getting the old one off to let her calm down.) I *think* the old collar might have been a bit too tight; not as if it was chocking her as such, but she was often scratching at it and if I so much as *touched* it she went barmy. So maybe it's as well that it's off anyway. I wonder if the owners are actually going to see her before I get the new one on. That'll get them wondering...

Offline blackcat

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2008, 21:39:31 PM »
caution is always advisable until you know what you are dealing with ...

Offline rrrachel

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2008, 21:29:48 PM »
not a wise decision, I think a random hotmail address is a good idea, not a link to this thread (i may have caused potential offence with my rude remarks about them!) But yes, if you set up a hotmail address that is a lot cheaper than buying a disposable SIM card for your phone ... good thinking 99!

Oh, and yes, I am not noted for my patience  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Hm, yeah, maybe I should anonymise, If I send the URL I'd already prepared it would be possible to identify me and my exact address if they were sufficiently technically minded to try a whois.

Offline blackcat

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2008, 21:26:59 PM »
 :rofl: @ Ruth!!!

Offline Kittybabe (Ruth)

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2008, 21:25:07 PM »
Oh, and yes, I am not noted for my patience  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Really? I'd never have guessed :naughty: ;)

Offline blackcat

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2008, 21:22:36 PM »
not a wise decision, I think a random hotmail address is a good idea, not a link to this thread (i may have caused potential offence with my rude remarks about them!) But yes, if you set up a hotmail address that is a lot cheaper than buying a disposable SIM card for your phone ... good thinking 99!

Oh, and yes, I am not noted for my patience  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Offline rrrachel

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2008, 21:14:39 PM »
Hi Rachel, any updates on your babe? am dying to know what you have decided to do! (curiosity is not only a feline characteristic  :rofl: :rofl: )

Give me a chance! I wrote the original intro at 3am. Since then I've slept, and I've just finished a day of work...

I will probably go back to the plan of using the id holder I bought to send them a URL where I can introduce myself with some explanation, and give an email address for them to contact me. I don't want to use the phone. (I have my own issues there.)

I need to rewrite the page at that URL... Again. I'm sorta wondering if it might be smart or stupid to include a link to this thread...

(Oh, cheeky puss. She just came up on the desk and pushed my glasses off to the floor to play with them... At least I wasn't wearing them at the time...)

Offline rrrachel

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2008, 21:08:52 PM »
Rachel, welcome to Purrs, you sound like you will fit right in. Now, about that cat! No member of this forum would let their cat get into that state, so you can rest assured it was none of us! The owners clearly have been neglecting her health care and have not been allowing her to get proper medical attention. We would normally recommend that if you were unsure of whether the cat you are seeing is 'owned' (as if!), then you should place a paper collar around her neck and write a message on it. A paper collar is essentially a strip of paper sealed with sticky tape but which leaves one section of the paper not sealed, so it can snap if she gets it caught.

As she already has a collar, I bought an ID-slip cylinder type thing to attach to it, and wrote a URL of a page on the slip inside where I tried, several times, to draft an introduction/explanation similar to what I'd written here, but obviously addressed to them. I don't want to make contact via phone. I hate telephones. (I glimpsed someone sitting at a computer through the window one time when I walked past what I *think* is her house, so I think they could use that.)

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A basic message like 'if you own this cat please call me on xxx). If no-one responds then I would be inclined to take her to the vet to see if she has a microchip, explaining that she has been visiting for many months and has had health probs that you have dealt with but which suggest that, at best, she is being neglected, and at worst she is a stray. The fence she climbs may simply be the house where she is obtaining food, not necessarily her owners home.

I hadn't actually thought of that. I think that's partly because her fur didn't look bad enough (where she hadn't chewed it away) for an urban stray.

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Also have him check whether the weight gain is not pregnancy ... if she has been neglected the odds are against her having been spayed.

I don't think it's pregnancy. (She'd probably have given birth by now, from when I noticed the weight-gain.) But I'm not sure whether she's neutered. If not, I'd guess she's adolescent. But I don't actually have any experience with un-neutered cats so I'm not sure.

Quote
Some of us believe that when our cats pass to the rainbow bridge, they sometimes send us a little friend. You first heard this cat soon after your cat passed, and this wee one needed your love and your care. Maybe you should take that as a sign. :hug:

heh. A friend said maybe she's sent by Bast in my hour of need. Similar sentiment.

That friend (who doesn't live nearby) also found herself befriending a kitten who kept coming into her bedsit from another tenant in the same building; then when she and the tenant finally talked about it the other tenant got angry and said "don't let her in anymore". And it was heartbreaking for my friend; hearing this poor kitten crying outside her door, to the extent she decided to find somewhere else to live. The owner (of the kitten) was apparently the sort of person who's always losing her temper at people, and basically inattentive to the kitten.

Something like that is what I'm afraid of; I had actually been on the brink of trying to make contact when that happened.

Offline blackcat

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2008, 20:04:31 PM »
Hi Rachel, any updates on your babe? am dying to know what you have decided to do! (curiosity is not only a feline characteristic  :rofl: :rofl: )

Offline Kittybabe (Ruth)

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2008, 07:48:44 AM »
 :welcome: to Purrs Rachel. You clearly know enough about feline care and health to be making the appropriate decisions regarding your visitor.

I think that the advice BC gives is the best at this point. If the cat is being fed by its own people then they will respond to the message on a paper collar.  I suspect that basic healthcare is either not something they can afford, or its plain old neglect. Or the cat is actually being fed by various homes and is a stray. There are various possibilities however, you have done the right thing in not treating her medically yourself in the event she is already being treated with something.

She sounds likes she knows where she wants to be though, so hopefully a paper collar will get things going for you in finding out who she belongs to.

Do let us know if you go this route and get a response.

Offline blackcat

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Re: 0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2008, 06:29:08 AM »
Rachel, welcome to Purrs, you sound like you will fit right in. Now, about that cat! No member of this forum would let their cat get into that state, so you can rest assured it was none of us! The owners clearly have been neglecting her health care and have not been allowing her to get proper medical attention. We would normally recommend that if you were unsure of whether the cat you are seeing is 'owned' (as if!), then you should place a paper collar around her neck and write a message on it. A paper collar is essentially a strip of paper sealed with sticky tape but which leaves one section of the paper not sealed, so it can snap if she gets it caught. A basic message like 'if you own this cat please call me on xxx). If no-one responds then I would be inclined to take her to the vet to see if she has a microchip, explaining that she has been visiting for many months and has had health probs that you have dealt with but which suggest that, at best, she is being neglected, and at worst she is a stray. The fence she climbs may simply be the house where she is obtaining food, not necessarily her owners home.

Also have him check whether the weight gain is not pregnancy ... if she has been neglected the odds are against her having been spayed.

Some of us believe that when our cats pass to the rainbow bridge, they sometimes send us a little friend. You first heard this cat soon after your cat passed, and this wee one needed your love and your care. Maybe you should take that as a sign. :hug:

Offline rrrachel

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0wn3d! Cat, not mine, wants to be. Help! I want to do the right thing...
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2008, 03:13:35 AM »
(this might take a day or so to draft...)

If she was obviously a stray it would be easy to know what to do. If she was obviously being abused it would be easy to know what to do. I don't think either is the case. I suspect that what's happened is that some change of circumstance at home has made her not want to be there any more. Whatever that reason, last summer (in the months following my own cat's death (at about 14 from kidney failure resulting from polycystic kidney syndrome)) I became aware of her hanging around in my garden more and more. I'm not exactly god's gift to gardens and hardly go out there, so didn't interact with her. But I'd more and more often see her out there, and late at night hear her miowing plaintively - and in the months following my cat's death that was very spooky! It's only in retrospect that I've identified this cat as the cause of that.

As the weather got colder it happened that one day I burnt something in the kitchen and left the window open to let the smoke out. When I returned I surprised her in the kitchen, whereupon she bolted straight for the cat-flap - and in so doing I suppose discovered that it works. But even then, as soon as she was outside she didn't do what most cats in that situation would do and just skulk away, but she stopped, looked back, and miowed... and came back.

I didn't exactly shoo her away; I do like cats after all, and I was still missing mine. She was skittish as hell but wanted to come in, and I just had to be patient. She sniffed around, jumpily for a while, then she curled up on a box... and went to sleep for a couple of hours... I got back to work. (I work from home.)

Very quickly a pattern emerged: She was spending most of her time with me, in my house. And nearly all of that time was spent sleeping, either in some cosy corner, or she'd come up to me for attention, and I'd give it, and take a work-break and recline and let her settle on me. And it was like she was hanging on to me, for hours at a time, sometimes.

Some things I noticed right away:

  • Her behaviour (when awake) seemed still very jumpy and neurotic; even though she clearly trusted me enough to sleep in my presence and on my chest. Very needy and clingy.
  • She had a large amount of fur missing from her backside and abdomen and lower legs, especially; and it was plain from watching her that this was from overgrooming.
  • She also had loss of fur, and underlying feline eczema, on her back, and it became apparent that she had fleas. A lot of itching. (OTOH there wasn't any eczema scabbiness at all where she'd pulled her fur out of her back-side and legs.)
  • She didn't smell too good at the rear end, frankly, and had occasional problems with anal leakage. (ugh)
  • Her eyes were often a bit weepy
  • She showed no interest in play.

Anyway, after a couple of months of basically letting her sleep in my house, and giving her attention when (and pretty much only when) she came up and demanded it, some changes were apparent:

  • The overgroomed area of her backside, abdomen and legs was growing back.
  • But the eczema on her back was if anything worse. (Fleas probably like being indoors.)

... but that difference seemed to confirm my earlier guess that the non-eczema overgroomed areas had a psychological cause. From the start she had just seemed stressed-out to me. I don't know why she won't stay at home, but I don't think she was staying outside out of enjoying the company of the other neighbourhood cats. I often watched them pick on her, and she wasn't good at holding her own.

List continues...

  • She started to play! And I had to revise my guess of her age way down because she played - and plays now - the way kittens play: A lot, innovatively, on her own initiative as well as at the slightest invitation, with anything to hand; my hands, my feet, pens, batteries, cable-ties, empty toilet-roll tubes, non-empty kitchen rolls... as well as the toys I do get her. Things like grabbing-on with all claws and mouth when her tummy's stroked, the way kittens do; I'm still trying to teach her that she's a bit big for that now. (It's not an aggressive-switch; body-language is all "I'm playing".)
  • She was putting on weight.

At this point it's definitely worth making something clear: I've never fed her. She's not my cat. People in my family have always been hospitable to friendly neighbourhood cats, but that hospitality does not include food: You do not feed other people's cats. The logic is that to a cat's mind, home is where the tin-opener is, and most visitors do fairly soon lose interest.

Whatever she gets from me (guessing it's a warm safe place and attention when she wants it), it's not food. But she was putting on weight. At first I thought, I was right, she was stressed out, and now she's less stressed she's able to put on more weight. I actually noticed the weight-gain before she started playing; when she did, the play was so kitten-like I've been revising my guess of her age so far down I have to think it possible she was still growing. (By the way, the italics tag doesn't appear to be working. Noticed in preview.)

So I don't feed her, never have, not even treats. I do put plain water down for her, because I'd rather she drank that than from grimy puddles of standing water outside. She did, and does, drink the water. At first quite a lot; now it's down to what I'd call normal levels. Anyway, the list continues...

  • That occasional anal-leakage issue seemed to, er, dry up.  :innocent: She still didn't, and doesn't, smell too great back there, but better than she did.
  • She just seems stronger, more confident.

Actually that's almost it for that stage of things; this is still before Christmas. Anyway, as mentioned, I had noticed the eczema getting worse, and I'd noticed other signs of fleas around the place where she'd been, and she was itching herself a lot. One evening in particular it was bothering her so much I basically decided I had to do something.

Now, I don't know if her owners are doing anything to treat her fleas. I haven't seen any sign of it on her; eg: when you put powder or spot-on on a cat you can tell it's been done for a couple of days after. But just in case, I didn't want to do anything chemical that might be in addition to something the owners were doing. If she was mine, I'd definitely be taking her to the vet to get the chemicals to kill the critters. But as it was my first priority was that whatever I might try it had to be safe.

My first thought was essential oils, which I had a period of being interested in when I was younger; but a few minutes googling told me that while that's good for treating fleas on dogs it could be very harmful to cats, so that was out. But I also read an account of someone who successfully treated a flea-infested litter of kittens (of a feral mother) by basically bathing them in olive oil. Okay, I thought, that's about the most benign substance I can think of, and if it kills and/or repels fleas, great; but the worst case should be no effect at all; but also, that olive oil is good for hair, skin and what she licks up shouldn't exactly do harm inside - it's often suggested as a dietary supplement for cats after all. I wasn't hugely hopeful...

But it seemed to work. It seemed to give her some relief anyway. And she didn't actually seem to mind me doing it. Anyway, I've been doing that at irregular intervals ever since... and while the fleas aren't, I think, completey defeated - she still has itches and some eczema - it's much improved. The fur has been regrowing on her back nicely, and even looks about normal now as long as it isn't wet, when you can see it's a bit thin. And she lets me do it; she seems to even like it - kinda. I don't exactly hide my intentions anyway, and she jumps up to the table where I always do it, and sniffs at the bottle, interested, and lets me get on with it... with those little chirrups that I think mean something like "I'm not really convinced this is proper... but don't stop." :shy: She looks kind of greasy for a day or so, but after that her coat's lovely. It also seems to help her calm down, if she's having a particularly scatty or nervous day. (And she smells better.)

Anyway, not here to advocate olive oil. It's at best a partial, short-term treatment for her flea problem; a palliative, maybe. The ones on her choke to death, and others stay off her for a while, and her skin gets a chance to recover a bit. Cumulatively it seems to have produced some kind of improvement. I want to deal with it properly. But... she's not my cat.

And the more this is going on the more it's weighing on me. She has made her choice, and made it abundantly clear. She came to me, and I feel that puts an obligation on me. She was in a poor condition and now she's in a better one. I still want to take her to a vet; there are these minor (now more minor) niggling problems; but... she's not my cat. (If there had been any kind of obvious emergency 'on my watch', as it were, I wouldn't have hesitated for little concerns like whose cat it was.)

As of now, things are the same - she's become less needy, less clingy; ie: her behaviour more like a cat who's made herself at home. Sometimes she still follows me room-to-room, wanting to be next to me whatever; sometimes, like tonight, she's happy sleeping in the next room. OTOH she's finally getting the idea of what I mean when she pesters me in the kitchen and I open the outside door for her. I felt like such a heel the first time I think she 'got' it. She came past me back inside, did some displacement grooming for a while, then quietly left - and within about two minutes I could hear her in a confrontation with another cat - she doesn't normally go home at that time of night and that was probably why.

I was away for a week at Christmas, and for shorter breaks since, and hoped that whatever home crisis first made her want to not spend time at home might have been transient and those periods when my house was dark and empty were her opportunity to at least try to give her humans another chance. It doesn't work like that, does it. :( She's not apparently losing weight, so she's still getting enough food.

It could go on like this. But I don't think it's right. Her owners could be forgiven for thinking she just likes the solitary, outdoor life, when the exact opposite is true. I'm getting all the benefit of having a cat with none of the responsibility, except that I feel responsible. I want to feed her, I want to get her properly medically cared for. I want to take the damn collar off her, it's clearly annoying her. (No, it's not a flea collar; and even if it was, it would be long-expired by now - still the same one as at the start.)

I've become accustomed to having her around, I've become fond of her, she's very good company, and frankly she's helped me through a period of depression I've been in for the last few months. I don't think it's right that she should have this divided home-sense - here being "home", now, clearly; but having to run the gauntlet to her original home to get food. That's a stress-factor for her that can't be fixed without resolving all this.

I didn't even want another cat just yet. The plan, laughably so-called, was to move closer to the rest of my family and then, at some point, get a couple of kittens. But as someone says, life is what happens while you're making plans...

Logically, I should talk to her owners. This presupposes they are reasonable people. I can't even promise how reasonable I would be in their place. I only think I've worked out which house she comes from, from watching the fences she climbs over when she leaves my house.

I don't feel able to make that contact. They might be okay; they might even be a little relieved, if they're aware the cat has been having problems, to have a solution presented. On the other hand they might just ask me not to let her in any more; and if they did that I'd feel very obliged to comply - but I know that I've done a lot of good for this cat, which would all get undone if I did that. And I know that I'm her choice.

And I know I'm just not emotionally strong enough to handle what might turn into a horrible confrontation. I mean, how would you feel if someone told you that your cat preferred them to you and that they think the best solution is to for the cat to move in with them permanently? :( I did not set out to steal someone's cat. Why couldn't I just find an obvious stray? It would be so much easier to know what to do. If she was obviously abused I'd know what to do. But it's probable that her owners are... okay, just a bit clueless about something; maybe they went and bought a dog (or someone moved in who has one) and thought they'd get along like in a cute youtube video, or maybe there's a new baby in the house... I could speculate endlessly. It just could be something completely beyond their control.

That happened to me several years ago; I used to have two cats; a brother/sister pair. But they hated each other, and there were too many humans in the house at the time, and one of them (not me) was going through a yet-to-be-diagnosed mental breakdown, and the brother of the pair just decided, one day, that he wasn't going to live here any more. And he left. We found him, twice; but it was obvious the only way he was staying was if we kept him imprisoned in the house; and he hadn't done what this cat's done, and found or befriended anyone similar to how I am now. At the time I would have accepted a solution like that. I realised that he had decided to leave; I had a good idea what the problems were but I knew I couldn't fix them, at least no-where near as fast as he needed them fixed. It became obvious I needed to find a new home for him pretty much instantly. That night I drove him to my mother's; and it turned out without the continual battles with his sister he really was a lovely, friendly cat. The story ended happily, but it also means I can understand that some circumstances can change that mean that someone with a full and proper love of their cat just cannot provide the home environment their cat needs. It may not even be about resources; just the house is wrong at this time, and the cat decides it can't live there. It's very upsetting. I felt such a failure about it. I'm just glad I was able to wring a solution out of it.

I often suspect - or maybe it was my rationalisation - that if she hadn't befriended me, and at least had somewhere she could be that was within reach of home, because she couldn't actually be home, for whatever reason, that she might have run away completely, or just wandered further and got lost and gone properly stray. Instead she's had this halfway house, and a fair chance, I feel, for her to decide that home was, after all, where her tin-opener is, a chance for any temporary problems at home to have worked themselves out. Months have passed, it hasn't happened.

A friend suggested, why not just steal her? Why not just start feeding her? It's tempting. I even have cat food in the house, what remained of the nice food I bought for my cat to try to help her appetite shortly before she was diagnosed and that food became inappropriate. It's still not up to its expiry date. (And I bet her bad smell is from not-very-good food.) After all, I'm pretty confident that the day I do start feeding her would be the last day her owners ever saw her. It's the only reason she goes back there, I'm sure of it. (Her visits back simply aren't long enough for anything much else. She goes for about an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening when I go to bed (when most rational people would already be in bed - I'm typing here at 3am) and otherwise it seems only goes out for loo-breaks.)

But then, I'd take her to the vet, and they'd wonder where she's from, and for all I know she's chipped and then my dastardly deed would be exposed!

But more than that, even if that didn't happen, I'd never get over the feeling of having stolen her, and having some idea what her unexplained disappearance would feel like to her owners.

Ideally I'd have her decide that her proper home is her home again. I would happily help her owners do that - except I won't shut her out of here; I'd want it to be a positive choice on her part, if the conditions are made right.

Then at least I could move as sort-of-planned without feeling I'm abandoning her.

I'd miss her terribly; and the flipside is that I would be happy now to take her on.

But I - really - don't feel I can initiate the contact with her owners. There's too much capacity for disaster - from the cat's perspective. I'm half hoping they're on this forum and reading this and perhaps recognising (yes, that's why your cat sometimes turns up looking greasy! it's just olive oil!). Chances are thin; what I was really hoping for was... advice. Maybe if someone knows if there's some organisation that would be appropriate to mediate this - and the owners may turn out reasonable (and relieved) and mediation would quickly become unnecessary - but they may not; and I know that if I'm asked to refuse her entry by her owners, I will, and I know that if I do, she'll deteriorate again, quickly. It seems too trivial for the RSPCA - I really don't suspect actual abuse or cruelty, and I don't want to do anything that seems like an accusation like that. It's just a cat with a problem that made a choice, and it's up to those of us with bigger brains to sort it all out somehow. I just don't know how.

That's why I joined this forum; hoping to get some advice backed by actual knowledge or experience.

 


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