Scare or grudge?? peace making strategies?

[maryas]

Licia I really wish we knew what it could be - maybe something so simple as colour of hair or a certain colour of jumper or other clothing or shoes or perhaps specs or even the smell of garlic or other food on them - we could go on guessing forever I bet.

Mary

[dolcetta46]

I am guessing that when Cris is in a horizontal position laying down he looks much less intimidating so Oliver doesn't feel scared.  He was extremely frightened of his older son Laslo 19, who looks like a redheaded Hagrid from Harry Potter flick, although the lad tried to make friends with him it was no good

Now this Felifriend stuff may be really worthwhile to take it into consideration as Linda suggested... 

[maryas]

Come on Licia - It's obvious what you have to do....  It's staring you right in the face...............  You have to get rid of Cris!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I really don't know what you can do - at least he's still sleeping in bed with you both - ask your vet if they have any ideas.  Good luck and best wishes to Cris.

Mary

[dolcetta46]

Dear me, Cris has taken over the brekky duty for the last couple of days and things were going quite well, unfortunately however there was a drastic regression last night     We were watching a tutorial video clip of hiphop-breakdancing. Cris decided to try out some movement, he got up and started thumping about, a typical 90kg hamster stuff at its worst   Oliver, who was catnapping nearby, launched himself vertically about 1 metre, he was so bristled up he looked like a deranged porcupine, he scurried under the bed and wouldn't come out, he wouldn't even when I went to bed about an hour later while Cris continued on working at his desk.    Though we found him inbetween us snoozing all stretched out in his regular position this morning, and again he was fed from Cris, but now he flinches when Cris tries to fuss him!!

I think at this point it is his size, I regularly do high energy routine with him around (body combat, step aerobics) which would go on for about 45 minutes with loud music and it doesn't faze him at all.  I really don't know if he was threatened by someone big when he was little before he came here or not (His meowmy was a tiny girl who really cared for him).  Poor Cris now he has to tiptoe around the flat so as not to disturb Ollie!!  Should two of them have more contacts so Ollie would get accustomed and realise there is no harm?  Or that would scare him even more? 

[gibraltarcat]

hope you can get some Licia, if it sounds helpful.
Headbutts to Oliver from jonty and Sweep

[dolcetta46]

Thanks Linda for your advice, I think I read about Feliway products in an Italian site so probably it is available here too, I might ask our vet about it... I do also want him to get more accustomed to our guests (so I can show off how lovely he is... ) it may be a handy thing to have around

[gibraltarcat]

Hi, I don't know if Felifriend spray would be of any help. It's made by Feliway and is sprayed onto hands before handling timid cats. I've no experience of it, just read about it on Vet UK. Just a thought.

[dolcetta46]

Thanks Susanne, that was an excellent article.  Indeed I am the one with whom he is in contact over 90% of the time, feeding and playing are things exclusively between him and I, so I guess Cris needs to participate more in his life other than trying to fuss him when he feels like.  I will try to get him to devote some of his time with Oliver, and yep, controlling of his demented hamsterosis as well

[Susanne (urbantigers)]

Aw - poor Oliver!  I don't have much advice, but I agree it would be a good idea if Cris took over feeding duties.  Now that Oliver has become scared of him, he'll probably get into the habit of hiding whenever he feels threatened so maybe if Cris follows some of the advice for dealing with timid cats it might help.  Sitting quietly and feeding him treats etc.  Wizz's tips for bonding with your cat and timid cats are good.

http://wizz-catz.co.uk/bonding.html

http://www.wizz-catz.co.uk/timidcat.html

[dolcetta46]

Demented hamsterosis is the name iv given the condition 

LOL that's a perfect despcription, and we have to admit a 90kg hamster IS indeed rather scary...

[Millys Mum]

Demented hamsterosis is the name iv given the condition 

[dolcetta46]

My dad has much the same effect on 4 of mine, they are nervous types who like calm predictable people, he moves far too quickly for their liking and will change direction at the last minute which upsets them. I think he finds it annoying when they flee but if he wont slow down nothing will change 

Yup I am afraid Cristiano has the same problem, he rushes around too much making a lot of sudden movements that doesn't help at all and like your dad, it is just his nature and will be a hard habit to break!!

[Millys Mum]

My dad has much the same effect on 4 of mine, they are nervous types who like calm predictable people, he moves far too quickly for their liking and will change direction at the last minute which upsets them. I think he finds it annoying when they flee but if he wont slow down nothing will change 

[dolcetta46]

Really, Cris doesn't do anything drastic, in earlier days if he found Oliver in a spot he is not supposed to be he would pick him up and put him down and say NO, well, I would do the same but Cris can do it in much more decisive and authoritive manner.  Then when he was particularly naughty (jumping on the dinner table and trying to swipe at the food while we were eating, or repeatedly jumping on our billiard table)  he pressed him on the floor and held him down for some moments until he quieted down a couple of times, but I read this sort of disciplining is one of the most effective as it is the manoeuvre used by mum cats when the kittens are small.  These days it is enough for him to approach toward him with a slightly threatening manner Oliver would drop what he is doing and bolt.  It also seems that he is rather intimidated by bigger people, Cris is fairly good size with 182cm/nearly 90kg (6ft 1/14stone) though not enormous, this may or may not have something to do with it.
As you suggested, I told him to take over the daily care routine involving food  for a while, I guess I will have to insist on that and see what happens.

Mary, my strategy with the guests are the same, it is no good when they take an excessive interest in him and try to reach out to him, he will just hide further and further.  If they leave him alone and pretend that he doesn't exist, he will come out and hang about after a while.  He is slowly improving with the visitors, yesterday a friend of ours finally managed to pet him for the first time!!
Cris had a cat when he was a child too, and it is not that he doesn't know how to interact with cats, but also Oliver is naturally a very timid, shy boy, we are hoping that he will improve on that as he grows.

[maryas]

Aw Licia, that is so sad    I wonder if Cris needs to change his aftershave  

I'm single, no kids, juct me and Bonnie BUT when friends come into the house I asked them to sit down and let Bonnie come to them rather than them walking over to her and unintentially frightening her.  I am 5ft 10" and Cats are not scared of my height but maybe this might be a thing to consider or the way he puts his hand out toOliver - I let animals smell the back of my hand before I stroke them so that they don't think I'm lifting my hand up to hit them.

I can not see why Oliver is increasing his shyness of Cris - should be getting better the longer he knows him and it's confusing how he is ok with him in the bed.  Do you think he could be acting, to get even more attention from you?

Good luck.

Mary  

[Millys Mum]

OH could take over feeding duties.

When Oliver runs from him, do you go and reassure him? Easy thing to do but it makes him think he was right to run cos mum said so!

How does OH discipline?

[dolcetta46]

Well I am becoming rather concerned as Oliver is increasingly nervous around Cristiano, my partner.  It is true that he is the one who disciplines Ollie when he is naughty and I am just the slave, however these days when Cris comes near him Ollie would scamper away and hide unless he approaches very carefully, slowly and gently, and even then I can see he is rather uncomfortable.  Interestingly Cris can pick him up and hold him better than I can, I assumed it is because he is much bigger with big hands so Ollie felt more secure than when I do that to him, but now it seems more like he is feeling helpless and resigned, as he remain rigid with ears flat pulled back...  The only time he is not nervous is while Cris is sleeping on the bed, then he would be playing and relaxing nicely in between us.  The other day it got to the point that, when he walked into the kitchen in a bit hurried manner, Ollie literally jumped in the air and ran to the furthest corner, his tail all bushed up, and when he approached trying to calm him he dashed under the counter and stayed there for good half an hour...   It is not that Cris yells at him all the time and he genuinely likes our boy and tries to be friendly most of the time, the only physical punishment he administered was pinning him down on the floor for some moments about twice if I remember correctly.

I really feel bad for Cris and I would love Oliver to feel more comfortable around him.  I am not sure if this behaviour is because Oliver is really scared of him, or having a grudge against him because he scolded him and trying to teach him some sort of lesson, either way it is not an encouraging sign.  Does anyone have had similar issues with another family member(s)?  What can be done for them to make peace?  Any suggestion will be appreciated!!