Purrs In Our Hearts - Cat Forum UK

Cat General => General Cat Chat => Topic started by: emmmy_lou on September 06, 2014, 19:31:48 PM

Title: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 06, 2014, 19:31:48 PM: We have had a foster kitty Poppy for almost 3 weeks. She had been homed, but was attacking her new owners dog, so I said we would foster til there was room at Westgate Ark to rehome her.

She is such a sweet, long but little, petite cat, and she doted on me! She would follow me about and even jump on my knee when I sat on the loo! Even though she wasn't very keen on my boyfriend he would say, we are keeping her aren't we? To which it was always a no!

I took her into the centre this morning as there were two potential adopters coming to see her. Well, didn't they both fall through. I spent a good hour and a half sitting with her on my lap before I left.I just have to think of her spending the night(s) in there alone... AND she must have been scared, cos she peed herself in the carrier on the way there :(

I feel awful, but my reasonings were, we didn't go out to get a new cat, she liked to sit on me, but so does Denzel, so one is going to get their nose put out, and yes it's fine at the minute, but what about in 10- 15 years time when there will be 3 aging cats in the house?
But I miss her already.

I feel so bad, cos she is SO affectionate, loves company and I've left her there :(
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: mad_lilli on September 06, 2014, 21:57:45 PM: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I know you must feel rotten, but she'll get a home where it's just her and she can sit where she likes. Xxxx
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Rosella moggy on September 06, 2014, 22:12:42 PM: Quote from: emmmy_lou on September 06, 2014, 19:31:48 PM
........... I miss her already.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm :Dont know:

Do you want me to say you should ignore all guilt vibes you are giving yourself because you may end up with 3 elderly cats to care for at some point? :shy:

Boris and Bob are 3 yrs 5 mths, Groucho is 4 yrs 3 mths, Ruby 5yrs 10 mths, Dinah is 6 yrs 8 mths, Noni is 7 yrs 10 mths and Billy Whiz is 10 yrs 4 mths.

At some point in the next 5 to 6 years we are going to hit a continual worry load of health issues. It's not something I look forward to but we've saved up for it and the alternative is worse. I guess you can tell that I would support any decision to go back and scoop up Poppy and bring her back but obviously you have to do what you think is best for all concerned in the long run. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 06, 2014, 22:47:10 PM: :Crazy: I honestly have no idea what response I would like to hear.

I still do feel awful leaving her there, but on the other hand my existing 3 have been a lot more relaxed this afternoon, maybe I just want to be reassured that it's all a part of fostering, i just didn't realise it would be so hard?!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: CarolM (Wendolene) on September 07, 2014, 00:34:27 AM: :hug: :hug: :hug: Oh yes, fostering is hard, that's why there are so many failed fosterers. The type that you have just done where they end up going back to a rescue pen is the hardest of all. You've shared your home with them, loved them, seen them blossom, and you feel you're betraying their trust when you hand them back.

After Korky died we agreed not to get another cat straight away because we wanted to do some travelling. I was volunteering at a local rescue and ended up fostering Penny, a 6 month old kitten who had been ill-treated and had behaviour problems. She stayed with me for 3 months and was an absolute poppet. For reasons I can't remember I handed her back to the rescue at the vets and I can honestly say that I felt worse walking out of the surgery and leaving her there than than I did when I walked out having helped Korky to the bridge. I knew what I'd done for Korky was the right thing but I felt that I'd failed Penny. With hindsight I know that I hadn't and she did find her forever home.

When I fostered the 5 young motherless Paws Inn kittens for about 2 months during Teresa's final illness I already had my current cats Bunty and Biggles. Having the kittens in the house definitely had an effect on them and like your three they were more relaxed when they left. The tabbies were homed directly from my house without ever going back to the Inn and that left the little black and white girl who was going to have to go from the comforts of a home shared with her 4 siblings to being on her own in a pen. I pleaded with OH to let me adopt her but he said no and put a time limit on how long she could stay before going back to the Inn. I was fortunate that within that time she found a home and all was well. Again with hindsight I know it would have been the wrong decision to adopt her because 3 cats would not fit with our lifestyle (we have a boat and it simply isn't big enough to house us and 3 cats).

I suppose what I'm saying in my ramblings is that pity (or guilt) alone is not a good enough reason for adopting a cat that is fortunate enough to have a place in a good rescue and will ultimately find a good home. If, however, you really do want to keep her then I'm sure that with time and effort she could be successfully integrated with your existing cats.
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 07, 2014, 12:04:11 PM: :thanks: I feel a bit better about it today.Evie came to us as a foster cat too, and I was determined that I would be stronger this time!!! I think she bonded with me so much more than Evie did in a such a short time. I do think if she isn't homed within a couple of weeks I will take her tho.

Denzel and Dexter are my first ever cats, they are insured (Evie isn't as she had surgery for a hernia when we first got her) and I'm not a worrier but do sometimes think about how things will change as they age. such a short time.

I am a bit annoyed too as the lady who originally adopted her with the dog didn't respond to my text when I updated her on the situation. I know she was attacking the poor ladies dog, but it makes me feel like she didnt care for her at all....

Hopefully she will get a new home today and i can stop feeling so bad! And yes somewhere she can sleep where she likes with no dogs!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Liz on September 07, 2014, 12:19:46 PM: It is the hardest part of loving them and watching them blossom in to the cats and kittens we know they can be having fostered nearly 150 over the last 15 years and many ofthem dod go on to loving homes many of the ferals stayed due to them being what they are warts and all but here theya re safe and happy and yes I am a failed fosterer on many levels but have loved and home so many to and have the what ifs but seeing them in their new homes is a bonus as well

Many of the kittens we had went to homes with dogs as we had 2 dogs when we fostered now have 3 cat onssed Border Collies and have folks who want kittens from us because of the dogs and my lot knowthe cats are in charge ;D
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Tiggy's Mum on September 07, 2014, 15:19:01 PM: I've no experience but I just know I would want to keep any fosters too :shy: For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing - sounds like she's a lovely cat so hopefully she will be snapped up, I think she'll have more chance getting a home directly from the centre as any visitors will see her instead of 'do you want to meet this other cat' and then faffing around trying to arrange times you're both free for them to visit. If she's in front of their face they hopefully won't be able to resist :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 07, 2014, 20:54:05 PM: 150 Liz?! you are an amazing!

I know she is in a better place to find a home, my OH isn't helping by saying things like we should of kept her, she loved you you know, she would of fitted in with our cats, she was no trouble, so nice etc!!!

I think that's why I posted this too, as I haven't been able to tell him how'g feel as I know he would guilt me into going back for her!!!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Sue P (Paddysmum) on September 08, 2014, 07:21:13 AM: Emmy-lou - if you really want her, go back and get her. If you feel she's not the right cat to fit in to your family, then speak out but dont feel guilty about it. Talk it through with your OH, work out whether or not you can afford the extra commitment, and if you still feel the same way and want her, then go and get her. :hug:

I used to help out at a council run shelter many years ago, and you have to be quite tough to be able to walk away each day. I couldnt do it now. Even back then growing up, we ended up with a rescue dog from that particular shelter (who didnt operate a "no kill" policy) and took another just before we got married.

I'd be pants at fostering, as I wouldnt be able to let any of them go. OH went to Benton Shelter last week to enquire about volunteering, but he eventually left feeling very emotional and unable to go ahead with it, because he just can't bear the fact all of those dogs and cats need homes.
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Rosella moggy on September 08, 2014, 09:13:23 AM: Quote from: Tiggy's Mum on September 07, 2014, 15:19:01 PM
I think she'll have more chance getting a home directly from the centre as any visitors will see her instead of 'do you want to meet this other cat' and then faffing around trying to arrange times you're both free for them to visit. If she's in front of their face they hopefully won't be able to resist :hug:

Very good point.

The fact that you ever took on the fostering role shows what a caring lady you are Emmy_lou :hug: It also shows that you have a certain amount of strength to attempt to put aside OH's guilt trips. Very naughty of him when he must already know how troubled you are about leaving her at the rescue. My OH would be exactly the same but, like Sue, I would crumble. When Groucho was first brought to us by our window cleaners, I was adamant that we would NOT be keeping him due to our numbers and put his pic on Cats Protection website. As he was a cute little fluffy kitten, CP said it would not be a problem finding him a home. 1st interest shown by solicitor in next office but my standards were getting increasingly higher by the day until it became obvious that no one except us could ever live up to them :evillaugh: I take my hat off to you for fostering. It is a truly selfless thing to do :hug:

Quote from: emmmy_lou on September 07, 2014, 12:04:11 PM
I do think if she isn't homed within a couple of weeks I will take her tho.

I think maybe that 2 weeks breathing space will give you time to think it through better.
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 08, 2014, 09:53:52 AM: Quote from: Rosella moggy on September 08, 2014, 09:13:23 AM
my standards were getting increasingly higher by the day until it became obvious that no one except us could ever live up to them :evillaugh:

I think its hard as its out of my hands now who she ends up in a home with, I would like to know exactly where she's going!

Quote from: Sue P (Paddysmum) on September 08, 2014, 07:21:13 AM

OH went to Benton Shelter last week to enquire about volunteering, but he eventually left feeling very emotional and unable to go ahead with it, because he just can't bear the fact all of those dogs and cats need homes.

I've never actually visited there, I know not everyone could cope with it. I thought I would be like that at the Ark, but being such a small place their homing rate is quick, so its rare to see a cat in there week after week.

I will have to have a proper chat with OH tonight. He was awful last night (probably not the most suitable adjective) saying 'I cant believe you took her back' 'poor thing all on her own there' 'she loved it here' 'Im really upset you took her back'

Aaarrgghh!!!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Sue P (Paddysmum) on September 08, 2014, 10:18:55 AM: Sounds very much like your OH was smitten with her. I can very much empathise with that. :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: LouiseJ on September 08, 2014, 10:32:23 AM: You are doing an amazing thing already by fostering but don't beat yourself up hon

xxx :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Greenlaner on September 08, 2014, 16:37:36 PM: You are a very caring person taking on all these pussies. Once any cat gets in the door, it's very hard to let them go away again. :hug: they just become a part of your life. :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 08, 2014, 17:05:36 PM: Quote from: LouiseJ on September 08, 2014, 10:32:23 AM

You are doing an amazing thing already by fostering but don't beat yourself up hon

xxx :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I thought it was a bit harsh with all th ROFL's!!!!
Quote from: Greenlaner on September 08, 2014, 16:37:36 PM
Once any cat gets in the door, it's very hard to let them go away again. :hug: they just become a part of your life. :hug:

I know, definitely no more fostering in the future!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Liz on September 08, 2014, 17:12:43 PM: That's the hard part if you stop fostering some other waif and stray may not be got to in time its a very hard thing so now I have 2 bathrooms - 10 x 10 for fosters and keep them in there so I know whilst I am totally in love with them none of my lot will have met them
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: maryas on September 11, 2014, 17:01:07 PM: You are a star for having her in your house for that long and giving her the love she needed.

Unfortunately letting them go is what fostering is :(

Don't know if you know but I became a fosterer and my 1st cat was Bonnie - YES my Bonnie, who has been with me 6 years in December :Luv2: :hug: I lasted as a fosterer for 4 days :rofl: :Luv2: :hug:

I AM A FAILED FOSTERER. I couldn't do it.
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It's fantastic that so many people can or the rescues would be overflowing and cats wouldn't get the care they need before getting a forever home.

Well done you.

Mary
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Greenlaner on September 11, 2014, 17:27:34 PM: However, Mary , Bonnie is a very contented cat living a life of luxury. :hug: I don't think she has any complaints. My billy was just an 8 week kitten when he arrived in the place. :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: heather sullivan on September 11, 2014, 23:46:57 PM: poor little kitty, just as she was getting to love you :( i would go back and get her if she is still there :naughty:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 12, 2014, 09:51:20 AM: I have been trying to find out if there has been any interest or if she has a home, but certain things have been happening at the rescue, and I have had no response :(

I will let you know if I get any notification. I still miss her a lot :(
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: maryas on September 12, 2014, 13:17:46 PM: Does this mean you are gonna be a failed fosterer too? :evillaugh: :hug:

I think we need pics of Poppy so we can decide if you must fail ;)

Just looked on their website, is this her?

Poppy is a young queen who we have had spayed. She is good with people but does not like dogs. She is currently with one of our fosterers but can be viewed by calling us here at Westgate Ark.
Poppy is offered free to a good home!

Mary
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 12, 2014, 15:25:51 PM: It is, here is a better pic of her. I thought she was a bit funny looking when she first arrived :evillaugh:

I am already a failed fosterer! Evie was only meant to be staying til her vet treatment was finished, but her home fell through :'(
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: emmmy_lou on September 12, 2014, 15:49:35 PM: Stop the press!

I have just had an email from the guy at the shelter, she was rehomed the same afternoon I left her there.

I feel sad :( but also better to know she wasn't on her own there overnight.

Oh well, what will be will be.

At least I can say I have also been a successful fosterer now too ! :evillaugh:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Dawn F on September 12, 2014, 16:16:23 PM: what great news!
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: maryas on September 12, 2014, 20:37:14 PM: :Luv2: :hug: You are a clever fosterer. So glad you got the glad news.

Mary
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: mad_lilli on September 13, 2014, 01:46:44 AM: da best. I'm sure you're pleased. X
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Rosella moggy on September 13, 2014, 08:12:19 AM: What a beauty she is :Luv2: :Luv2: :Luv2: and am delighted that she has a forever home.

Congratulations for being there for her when it mattered :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: feeling guilty/ heartbroken
Post by: Big Cat Lover on September 16, 2014, 07:06:01 AM: Aww, she's a real cutie! I'm rather partial to a black and white furbaby - my Gypsy was a beautiful black and white girl, as is my Lucky!

Well done on the fostering - I can imagine it must be so difficult to let them go!