Purrs In Our Hearts - Cat Forum UK
In Loving Memory Cats => Rainbow Bridge - In Loving Memory => Topic started by: Desley (booktigger) on December 26, 2006, 14:44:49 PM
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It is only 2 weeks since she died, and I am still struggling. I am not used to feeling like this after a loss (there have been enough of those - 7 in 4 years), I dont know if it is cos we fought soo many illnesses and I expected it soo much that it seems wrong that she got through things much worse, or whether it is cos it was so close after Ginger (who I knew was goign to be hard, and made worse by the fact it was unexpected, and no time to prepare, and i only got to say bye after he went, not with him).
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Thinking of you, Desley - two weeks is no time and I know how bereft we feel when a loved one has seemed to fight everything and then finally succumbs to something that seems comparatively minor.
:hug:
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I know it is no time at all, but it isn't like me - but being X Mas doesn't help, I can't remember the last time I had a good X Mas - this time last year I was worried about Tom, and had to wait for the vets to be open, the year before I had already been told there was nothing more they could do with Snowy so it was up to me how long she had. I dont think the changes that have gone on since September help much either, between losing cats and long termers being rehomed. I am doing nothing today though (not even dressed yet, and no plans to!!), the house might look a mess, but the cats have enough clean bowls (although I am not sure I have enough clean stuff to make tea with), so I am catching up with the net today and playing with the cats (when they wake up!!), and will start on the housework tomorrow - I am not back in work for for nearly 2 weeks, tis plenty of time to deal with that!!
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Relax and look after yourself...
C
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Will do - am going to have a lovely long soak in the bath soon, prob with some alcohol, and I have more than enough chocolate. Plus the cats - I am going to have to see someone who doesn't know yet this week though, but will be OK.
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:hug: :hug: :hug: Des :hug: :hug: :hug:
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I know how you feel Des about it being somehow harder with Pebbles because she had fought and won so many battles. I felt the same with Rosie. She had cancer and the vet said there was nothing he could do and advised (no thats not true - he insisted- that she be pts). She wasn't my first cat and I'd been in that awful situation before but I was sure that Rosie was not ready to go. She didn't appear to be suffering and was eating/sleeping/playing normally despite a big lump under her tummy. I decided to get a second opinion and the second vet, whilst agreeing that it there was nothing further to be done to help her, also agreed with me that she seemed quite happy and left it to me to decide when the time was right. We had over 2 more years together but then she stopped eating (always her favourite passtime) and I decided she had had enough. That was 8 years ago this past November and I still have feelings of guilt at letting her go. She had such spirit that its somehow as if I gave up on her. Daft really when you think that I gave her 2 extra years but its because of that that I feel I should have been able to give her longer. This all sounds a bit crazy but I'm sure what you are feeling for Pebbles is in the same vein. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Maybe it is - I think it makes it harder when the vet can't give a diagnosis of what is making your cat so ill, but it did help that it was the same vet who knew just what Pebbles's limits were, so didn't subject her to anything that would have been too stressful for her. I have never admitted this on the board before, but I did feel resentment towards her when Ginger died, that didn't seem fair somehow, and I do think I got her too soon after Snowy died, it took ages to accept her, esp as I had to make so many changes for her (a few lesser cat lovers have thought me daft for what I did in the beginning for her) and this year has been so emotional with everything we have had to face - I dont feel as though I gave up on her though, I did it because I couldn't bear to pull her through this for it to happen again in a month - and that last one was worse than the one before that - even with her leg issues, we found ways to get her eating decent amounts, and that just didn't happen this time, and I loved her too much to watch her suffer anymore. I think there are just too many bad memories for me at this time of year, and things are just so utterly different than when we started the year, it will take some time to get used to things - I had 4 furry water bottles this time last year, only got one now. I never expected to lose Ginger, and even though I thought everytime PEbbles was ill it would be the end (as did the vet), she fought so much that I still can't really believe it.
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I know it is no time at all, but it isn't like me - but being X Mas doesn't help, I can't remember the last time I had a good X Mas - this time last year I was worried about Tom, and had to wait for the vets to be open, the year before I had already been told there was nothing more they could do with Snowy so it was up to me how long she had. I dont think the changes that have gone on since September help much either, between losing cats and long termers being rehomed. I am doing nothing today though (not even dressed yet, and no plans to!!), the house might look a mess, but the cats have enough clean bowls (although I am not sure I have enough clean stuff to make tea with), so I am catching up with the net today and playing with the cats (when they wake up!!), and will start on the housework tomorrow - I am not back in work for for nearly 2 weeks, tis plenty of time to deal with that!!
I'm doing prety much the same this week Des. I feel kind of guilty but I know that I need this time to myself to reflect. I just hope that none of my family come to the door lol as the place is a tip and I didn't bother to get dressed today either.
You clearly have some doubts about whether you made the right decisions about Pebbles and with the considerable love and concern you feel for your cats there is no doubt in my mind that you made the best desision for Pepples. I is such a tough decision for anyone to have to make and being so emotionally involved and upset at our anticipated loss as well , its times like these that we need someone close to confide in and share our fears and hopes.
I think you are so courageous to take on the wellfare of more cats knowing that you will have to face more distress and feelings of loss than any of us are ever likely to. Don't be hard on yourself Desley you are a lovely person ,one of the many on here that without which I would have no contact with people at all
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Gosh, how these things hurt, and they always seem to hurt that bit more at Christmas. Sending out good vibes to ya all. :hug:
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Thanks for the lovely comments Nick.I dont have any doubts over Pebbles - I know I didn't push the eating as much as some would have, but I know the reasons behind that decision were the right ones. I think it is just a combination of everything that has happened this year - the ones I have lost aren't the ones I expected. I think a major part is more sadness over Ginger than Pebbles though, might sound awful, but I had 4 years with him and his passing was just so unexpected. I think I need some time to get my head round everything, and it doesn't help that I know I still have to explain to some people what has happened. I am very grateful to some of the wonderful people on here who have listened to me wittering on, I dont think I would have coped without some of them - it is times like this that I am so grateful that I have people other than my neighbour for advice and support, I dread to think what woudl have happened to some of mine if I had only had her.
I was reading my foster notebook earlier (copying it into a new one), and I found an entry for the end of July 2004, where I said that my dream was to take on as many oldies as I can and give them a good end to life. If you include fosters that have been homed, I have helped 11 oldies in the 4 years I have had cats by myself, so I am certainly fulfilling it, and that figure will be higher before I stop taking oldies on, it isn't high enough at the moment!! I know it hurts to let them go, but that normally fades fairly quickly, and the pleasure at knowing that you gave a cat a good home for weeks/months/years, and at the most important time of their life normally outweighs the pain - as it will do again, I think I would have been OK if it hadn't been for X Mas!!
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A very tough time Desley, we all shared Pebbles traumas this year and when Ginger went it was so sad and for Pebbles to follow so soon was devasting.
I was looking at the pictures on the calendar, cos I knew you had changed Gingers caption cos it went for print only about a week after he went to the Bridge.
I found Pebbles and her caption is so apprpropriate.........All Tuckered Up..................A lovely picture to remember her by.
I know that you have a big heart and we all are waiting for the next oldies into your house cos I know there will be some when you are ready.
Its good you have a nice break from work to give you some time to enjoy Shadow and Molly and slowly get your head and heart back into gear. Pamper yourself and to hell with the house! There is always mana~na.
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Thanks Gill - am feeling a lot stronger today, have made my list of things to do round the house - how many will get done is a different matter (although the washing up has to be done, we are running really low on clean plates now!!). They are lovely pics of them both - I was going through the camera last night deleting pics, and there are loads of her, Ginger and Tom, it is a bit weird looking at them, but I could smile at them. Dont think me deciding to swap my foster diary helped too much, it made me realise that although I have only been fostering for 2 and a half years, neither of the cats I had when I started are still here. There will defo be more oldies, and I think adopting Tiger will be a good start.
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Just wanted to say how sorry i am Desley.. I followed Pebbles story from cat chat and had hoped like everyone she would pull through, but you made the right descision
for her because you knew her and loved her so much.. I hope the pain will ease in time, and it's so lovely that you can look at the photos of them and smile.
I'm thinking of you, and Minty and Toffee send their love too. Xx :hug:
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Thanks Amy - am feeling a lot better today, i am sure things will continue to get better. I can always look at pics of my babes and smile, however soon after it is. Think it helps that they have all been either old or ill, it does help to rationalise things for me.
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Glad things are getting easier for you,you gave Pebbles the greatest gift, putting her feelings before your own. She'll be waiting for you at the Bridge xx
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Very sorry for you Desley I know how it feels at this time of year we lost our very first cat Penny 20th Dec 03.
God bless Pebbles.
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I did Helen - I have wrote her tribute for the CC remembrance page, will be sending that off later.
Aww, I didn't realise you had a loss so close to X Mas too Jane.
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Yes, Desley it was a bad year '03 lost my mum in the August, my aunty in October and Penny in December (my dad was in hospital with pneumonia at the time too all over Christmas and we all had flu)
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Hi Desley,
I cannot add much more to what everybody has already said. I do know what you are going through and I know that it hurts a lot.
Sending positive vibes your way.
They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you, a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
Take care
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Another sentimental day - it is two years today since I lost Snowy, and also two years today since I met Pebbles for the first time and agreed to take her on, FIV/FeLV tests pending (although I was looking in my diary last night, and I said I would take her on even if she had been FIV+ - I also described her as friendly and loving after my first meeting!!). Last year was bittersweet, as although the day was tinged with sadness with Snowy's anniversary, I had Pebbles to sort of make up for the loss - now both of them are gone. We had a month and 3 days short of 2 years together.
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des sorry i totally missed all of this, didnt realise you'd had a loss..wasnt pebbles one of the ones we used to discuss on cc ??
this is the prob when you dont come online so much you miss things..so sorry i didnt post before now.
rip pebbles.
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Thanks Lynn - yep, she probably was!! It's nearly a month since she died now.
This is the thread of her last illness http://www.chaptanservices.com/purrs/index.php?topic=716.0
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Sending lots of cyber hugs to you Desley :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: on this difficult day. I know Snowy was extra special to you and losing Pebbles as well must make today even harder - you tried so hard for her.
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Thanks - it is just odd that I went through such a similar thing with both of them at such a similar time of year. I have done my tribute for the rehoming page, thought I would post it here too:
My darling Pebbles, so many illnesses fought in our short time together that the ending seems so unfair, as we could never get to the bottom of why you were such a sickly cat. I am glad you were with someone who was willing to fight so much for you, and also to know when it was unfair on you to keep fighting. You touched so many people, and made me a stronger (if poorer) person, and I gained a wonderful friend thanks to you. I hope you are being nice to Ginger now, love you lots.
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Thats a lovely tribute Desley
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That's lovely. The first time I've felt brave enough to look on the rainbow bridge page (now no one is in and I can have a good cry)
Hope you're ok Des. I know you're somewhere in the NW - if you need a hand fundraising or anything and I can help give me a shout
x
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Have only just caught up with this thread...
So sorry to hear about your darling Pebbles, Desley
Thinking of you xxx :(
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Thanks Sue and Gill, will send you a pm Sue.
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Bit of an emotional weekend - got the final insurance payout yesterday, so the letter had me in tears. And today would have been her second anniversary of being here - so quite ironic that today is the day I officially adopted Tiger, I might class the August date as her birthday though - or give her two!! Here are some Pebbles pics - the first one I ever took of her, the last I ever took of her, and the one that shows her off best - it isn't a lovely pic of her, it shows her in my 'garden' after her amputation, she decided 2 days after having her stitches out that she wanted to go out, and cos it was warm and she had already mastered the stairs and the bed, I let her, so that pic just shows how determined she was - vet said it could take up to 6 months for her to adjust with her age, she had to prove her wrong.
(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/booktigger/Pebbles-1.jpg)
(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/booktigger/PICT1192.jpg)
(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/booktigger/garden.jpg)
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Very emotional seeing the first and last pictures of beautiful Pebbles. RIP Pebbles I bet you are having fun on the Bridge.
Anniversaries are very emotional especially the first ones, I found Christmas 2005 much worse the 2006 but 2006 seemed lonely somehow cos the current 4 are not interactive cats really and dont like turkey and stuff. Just not the same as itused to be.
I am sure with Mollie and Tiger you will have loads of fun for years to come and Pebbles will be watching over you along with Ginger.
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The last pic is emotional for me, I can smile at the first pic though. This Christmas was hard for me, I have only had one in this house without Ginger. It was also so quiet this year as I had 6 last X Mas and only 4 this X Mas, and their X Mas treat didn't go down well!!
I dont think it will be for years to come at their age and with my track record, but I am happy for whatever I can have with them, it is a bonus for both of them, as neither might be alive today otherwise.
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Another slightly emotional day today - was looking through some of the pics of her today, and this time last year was the start of all her leg issues, when I was talking to our fundraiser the other week, she said she wouldnt' put a cat through an amputation, and it made me think, as Pebbles only had 7 months after it, so i was wondering if I actualy did do the right thing, but fortunately looking through some of the pics, I know I did, esp with this one, plus it was something underlying that caused the main issues, not the leg, she did recover from this incredibly well. It has only been 4 months since she went.
(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/booktigger/PICT1098.jpg)
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Desley, you did the right thing - you only have to see the pictures and to have followed the story of Pebbles great recovery to know that - she looks so contented in this picture and all the others you posted.
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Thanks Chris, it is just hard as it didn't buy her much time, even if it wasn't that that eventually killed her - plus the fact I am going through yet another unexplained leg issue!!
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Awww Desley she looks so content and happy there, what a lovely picture.
I think you did the right thing - so many cats go on to have long lives after an amputation, it is just unfortunate that Pebbles ended up with another issue.
:hug:
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Thanks Dawn.
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Desley, Pebbles was adorable. You did everything you could and every decision made was made with what was best for Pebbles in mind.
She was loved, and I'm sure she knew it! I like the picture where she's investigating the garden. :)
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Thanks JS, I wouldn't go as far as calling her adorable, she was a little madam!!! I know I did, it is just a shame we couldn't find the underlying prob out.
She was, and I hope she did know it. Me too!!
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Hehe! My Old Mogs a madam too, but she's still adorable! ;D
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You know you made the right decision and in that picture she looks very happy and contented. I am sure the amputation had nothing to do with her sad departure to the Bridge.
Despite being a little madam she was in your heart and still is :hug:
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It didn't have anything to do with her departure Gill, I just wish we had been able to figure out what did - but she did have 2 blood tests, 7 x-rays and numerous vet visits, dont really suppose there was much else we could have done to find out, that wouldn't have been too stressful on her (i.e specialist)