Purrs In Our Hearts - Cat Forum UK
Cat General => General Cat Chat => Topic started by: caledonia on January 20, 2013, 11:32:25 AM
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Ok I thought I would run this past some fellow cat lovers to ascertain whether I'm being daft here... Although I suspect if I ran it past some non-cat lovers I would be seen as daft!
So I'm dating a guy at the moment - met him last June and been dating on and off but recently things have been pretty grand and he is at mine every weekend.
I have two cats. At first he wasn't really interested in them but now quite happy to have them on his lap and will feed them treats and even sometimes some fish off his plate. The cats aren't allowed in the bedroom when he is here which is fine, they don't seem to care and don't scratch at the door and when I get up are happy in their beds in the hall.
Anyway long story short he is between flats at the moment - stays with one guy mon-Friday then another guy 40 miles away on weekend - hence he has been at mine a lot. He says quite a lot the moving between places is annoying him etc.
I'm going on holiday for two weeks in feb. My friends and brother normally cat sit but I haven't been away so long in a few years. I had secretly hoped he might consider living here. Kills two birds with one stone - he gets privacy and a place for two weeks and the cats have someone here.
Well he has been 'thinking' about it for a few weeks and has finally said he isn't going to do. Said he can barely look after himself never mind two cats. Says he has never had pets before and quote 'can't actually be arsed' having to clean up after them.
Ok am I being an emotional drama queen getting upset over this and wondering why on earth I'm dating him?
I'm probably reading way too much into it and I maybe had a nerve! I had offered to fill the fridge and cupboards and get beer in and leave him to it. Saving him petrol money as I live 20 and 40 miles closer to his work than the two mates he is staying between!
Sorry realise this isn't an edition of take a break lol
Any thoughts?
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Oh!!
I can see your dilemma now.
Difficult one as you'd think he'd be glad of the opportunity not to live out of a suitcase. You don't think he's a bit huffy as you're going on hols without him do you?
:hug:
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Well, my gut reaction is not good, sorry.
He can't be arsed? Surely at this stage of the relationship he should be doing his utmost to please you - he shouldn't need to "think about it".
Also, what about the longer term - how would you feel if he moved in with you and he couldn't be arsed then either? You'd end up cleaning up after him the whole time. I'd be very cautious of someone who openly admits they can barely look after themself.
I'm sure all this living at other people's flats suits him!
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Oh!!
I can see your dilemma now.
Difficult one as you'd think he'd be glad of the opportunity not to live out of a suitcase. You don't think he's a bit huffy as you're going on hols without him do you?
:hug:
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Yep that's a very fair point - I think that might be at play! It was booked before we got together and erm *cough* I am going to Rio!
So yes I think that is a major part of it - I'm just over reacting!
It was the couldn't be arsed comment !
Oh dear... Relationships....never easy!
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Rio! I'd be jealous too :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
They aren't easy, that's for sure.
That said I moved in with someone with someone who didn't like Chelsea and I think I ended up in the spare room with her more often than not as she was my baby and he was a lazy :censored: who couldn't be bothered with anything but his football.
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I don't get very good vibes from this situation.
If he was to live with you all the time at some point and you needed him to look after you and the cats what would he do then, go and kip at his mates house?
Why does he stay in different places?
I think I would get my usual cat sitters in, and make sure he doesn't have a key.
A couple of weeks without you and having somewhere convenient to stay might shake him up a bit.
Good luck, and they say women are complicated!!
Nicky
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I don't get very good vibes from this situation.
Me neither.
Why does he stay in different places?
And how long has he been "between flats"?
I can understand someone who has never had pets being nervous about taking on the responsibility but if he 'can't actually be arsed' to look after your two I'd been making alternative arrangements for them pronto. As if he is sulking that you're going on a pre-arranged (before you met him) holiday he's behaving like an overgrown child.
Caledonia, try taking the dating element out of this - if you made the same offer to someone you'd known for the same amount of time (say a work colleague) and they behaved in this way, how would you feel about them?
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My thoughts?you are not being a "drama queen"you are maybe simply realising/wondering why am i dating him! It sounds like he ought to get his act together,and not depend on others.Get your normal sitters to look after your cats,they come first.x
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Thanks for all the input! He has thawed slightly and was saying he would look after them for a few days it's just cos its so long.... I think this is all about me going to Rio to be honest - I lived there for a few months at the start of last year and there is an ex there - think he is convinced ill run off with him!
He is good with the cats - at first he wouldn't go near them... Nina has just been in his lap and Rio goes out on the mini balcony with him.
I do need to monitor things though - it is the 'cant be arsed' comment that had me wanting to punch him in the face! It really upset me. English is his second language so maybe I give some leniency!
He is really tidy..., when I met him he was in a shared flat and was super clean. I really liked that about him - he had candles and photos of his mum and newphews out which is unusual in the men I meet so I was impressed. A tidy man who loves his family - yay!
However it turned out the flat share guy was actually illegally subletting so him and the other flatmate got turfed out with 24 hrs to collect their stuff before the council changed the locks. He didn't know this obviously - was just renting an en suite room. So to be fair to him that was rubbish and just happened in November - not the best time of year!
Meanwhile I've got three different pals agreed to come in and one in particular loves my cats and I know will sit with them for a good chunk of time.
I'm being optimistic but I think he might change his mind.... The issue is the holiday I think!
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Well, my gut reaction is not good, sorry.
He can't be arsed? Surely at this stage of the relationship he should be doing his utmost to please you - he shouldn't need to "think about it".
Honestly as a single woman dating on her thirties.... These single men left didn't get that rule book!! Lol!
I could write a book but the trying to impress stage seems to last about a month these days! Lol!
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mmm sounds to me like its more about rio than the cats! he's having a little tantrum, he'll get over it
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Said he can barely look after himself never mind two cats. Says he has never had pets before and quote 'can't actually be arsed' having to clean up after them.
My thoughts, based on what you've said and obviously not having met this guy, but he sounds like a lazy so and so. sorry, I know that sounds harsh but can't look after himself? Not willing to look after cats for a couple of weeks? Not exactly catch of the century is he? And what does "between flats" mean? waiting to find someone who will ask him to move in and wait on him hand and foot?
Sorry, but I think his attitude stinks. I would rather be single. If it was me I'd tell him sorry but I'm looking for a man and not a little boy and since you can barely look after yourself then you clearly don't qualify.
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:rofl: @ Susanne and have to say I agree with her :innocent:
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I think I'm rather inclined to agree too.
It does sound like there's a bit of a combination of unfortunate straws in the wind about him. Throwing a hissy fit about a pre-booked holiday, for example... reading between the lines, he's expecting to be waited on/mothered and he has no intentions of putting himself out for you. I'm not sure I'd trust him to look after the cats even if he agreed to.
Time for caution I think, and definitely not the point to allow him to get his feet under the rug, as it were....
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Im sorry but anyone that couldnt "be arsed" with my cats would be getting shown the door and told to close it on his way out !
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Am sad to say that I would find that comment wholly unacceptable and its a trust issue. Whatever his personal circumstances or relationship with you, when BE says he "can't be added" he's telling you the truth, and I wouldn't leave my cat with anyone who didn't feel they had the importance I place on them. likewise, you deserve better than that.
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Im sorry as a singleton I know how hard it is to find an other half but Im with the rest. If a bloke told me he couldnt be arsed to look after Amber when I had a pre booked holiday Id be giving him a hard time. Id be on the so you dont want to look after Amber or you dont want to be here when Im away or you dont trust me while Im away etc
I didnt have pets at the time but I did have the boyfriend who arrived after I booked a holiday. Admitally it was 3 months in new zealand but even so to have him say he couldnt cope with me being away that length of time and couldnt trust me was so insulting.
I dunno partners are harder to cope with than cats thats for sure :naughty: :naughty: :naughty:
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I too agree whole heartedly with Susanne.
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Lol just catching up on the comments ladies!
Well he has certainly made an impression!
Points all taken on board and erm yep he won't be watching the cats :-/
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I should add, not necessarily in his defence, that my last boyfriend was totally cat daft and had two of his own!
He was rubbish with humans however and would get me to sit at the other end of the couch to him so his cat could get on the towel he put down for her to save his precious suite!
One extreme to the other... At least this one can stand cat hair and doesn't make them sit on towels everywhere lol
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Sorry, but someone who can't be arsed wouldn't get back through my door either .
I actually wouldn't trust him to look after the cats either, probably wouldn't feed them , clean them out and whose to say if they got on his nerves for some reason ,he wouldn't throw them out , give them a sly kick etc !
Dump him ,he sound a user and lazy git .
I stay on my own as don't trust anyone near my angels !
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Easier said than done when you like/lust/love some one BUT I think he might be 'inbetween flats' cos that's how he likes it, no commitments????? He also says he can't look after himself - how old is he?? Or was that just his kind of humour and way of getting out of looking after the cats?
If he genuinely does not know how to look after himself then would you want him allegidly looking after your cats?????
Does he usually go on holiday each year? If not then he could be jealous and even if he does he might be jealous of the place you are going or maybe just jealous of the fact you haven't asked him to go with you now that you are both more settled as a couple. BUT he might also think you will get back with your ex and that questions his trust in you and brings up another issue for you.
OMG so glad I'm single.
The very best of luck to you.
Mary
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Thanks Mary,
He def can look after himself - he had a flat when we met and his family all live over seas and he has been here over a decade on how own and always had flats.
I do think he was just trying to be humorous and shirk the responsibility at the same time.
He irons and cooks more than I do... He is also the tidiest guy I've met so I'm kit worried about him being some slob looking for a free ride lol!
I actually suspect he is regretting saying what he said and def isn't commitment shy... He has been trying to get me to commit to a relationship all along... It's me that kept changing my mind! I think he is getting his own back! Lol it also explains the reservations over my return to Rio since I was besotted with the guy there!
So I've not always been the perfect girl ... Believe me!
The cats like him.... They are my best judge of character cos they def haven't liked all visitors to our house :-)
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I think these ladies are giving him a bit of a hard time!!! We dont know exactly what this bloke is like :doh:
I am by no means a relationship expert, but am always sceptical about ones that are on/off :shify: have you ever known any to last the distance? I would have a serious think about if this guy is right for you if you keep changing your mind :shocked: I think your holiday will be a good thing for you to reflect on what you really want.
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Thanks Emmy-Lou - yeah he ain't that bad honest!!
Your right about the on/off thing but again my fault! Without going into too much detail I met a guy online about the same time I met him out for drinks. Online guy was a very wealthy cat owner... Took me a while to realise that I can't be making relationship choices based on bank balances and men's cats! Lol!
So me being bad again shhhhhh lol!
He is about to turn up at mine finishing a late shift offering to pop in weighed down with chocolate cos I'm a PMT emotional wreck! So not all bad!
Still not offered to watch the cats yet lol
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Said he can barely look after himself never mind two cats. Says he has never had pets before and quote 'can't actually be arsed' having to clean up after them.
My thoughts, based on what you've said and obviously not having met this guy, but he sounds like a lazy so and so. sorry, I know that sounds harsh but can't look after himself? Not willing to look after cats for a couple of weeks? Not exactly catch of the century is he? And what does "between flats" mean? waiting to find someone who will ask him to move in and wait on him hand and foot?
Sorry, but I think his attitude stinks. I would rather be single. If it was me I'd tell him sorry but I'm looking for a man and not a little boy and since you can barely look after yourself then you clearly don't qualify.
Ok, I'm a Bloke ;)
But I have to agree with the above too >:(
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Well everyone is entitled to a view however I was just asking about the cat sitting. That was my issue and the source of my anger. Not whether I was dating a dead beat man!
I'm a grown up 35 year old woman who has dated good and bad and I don't really think anyone can make a snap judgment of anyone based on a post in a forum! I trust my own judgement.
The cat issue was my gripe, not whether he was a lazy pig or a Chancer. I know he isn't.
But thanks for the forthright input folks lol!